Oh my goodness, where to start? Well, this is a hateful bunch of eye-candy, non? So far, I'll agree with a friend who said that it's hard to find anyone to like so far this season. It's like there was a check-box on the application form that asked whether you have good abs or are named like a Kardashian. Thank god they're good looking. But, it is only the first day.... and there's always Jeff.
My former boyfriend Jeff was at once fabulous and completely ridiculous in the opening, didn't you think? He's standing on the outside of a helicopter - mid-flight - telling us about the upcoming season. Then it dives away from us. Very stuntman-esque, Jeff. He's showing us that even though he doesn't get to jet-ski from the middle of the South Pacific to LA any more, he's still got Survivor cred. Hard core, Jeff. Hard core.
One World... The schtick this season is that there are two tribes - men vs. women - but they have to live together on one beach. Right. Interesting idea. Could go either way, right? You could have a bit of a love-in where they all cooperate, or it can go the other way. Which it did. And somehow, the boys (at least the alpha males) are blaming the women, when we all know it's the men's fault. I'm not even sticking up for the girls - it's just true. The men started off by stealing the women's gear right off the bat. So I think they really set the tone. Then, when the women caught some chickens (well, it was Chelsea actually the self-proclaimed "country girl" and therefore, chicken whisperer), they thought twice about sharing with the men. Can't blame 'em... And to be fair, they just wanted to negotiate fairly - we'll give you a chicken, you help us out with building our shelter, or making fire. Seems fair... but no. The big, muscle men figure they don't need chicken... a decision they will regret, mark my words. (It's always the muscle-bound guys that suffer the most when they are hungry.) Anyway, more on this later except for two things: 1) Why are the girls so completely incompetent when it comes to making fire anyway? As I complain about EVERY season.... Why on earth don't people PRACTICE these things???? They KNOW exactly where they're going... don't you think it would be a valuable skill? Ugh. And 2) I'm interested to know what became of the chickens that Chelsea caught. They clearly didn't eat them, as they had no fire. They don't have a chicken coop as far as I'm aware, so did they just let the poor things go? Did you not feel a little bad for the chicken when it yelped (OK, what noise do chickens make?) or clucked or whatever that sad, pathetic noise was that came out of its beak when Chelsea had it by the neck. I had a twinge of vegetarianism, then made myself a bowl of chicken noodle soup. For reals. Sorry, chickens.
So the cast...
Well, I have to say I was right in my initial dislike (via the TV commercial previews) of Alicia. Now, after one episode, I want to punch her in the face. Yeah, I know... violence is wrong and all that.... but honestly, she is an awful person. I don't like to throw the word around too much, but this woman is the Queen Bitch. She's already made an alliance of the 5 girls she thinks are most athletic, so unfortunately she might be around a while. These girls are dysfunctional, though, and hopefully they'll see that she's the reason for it. I mean, Alicia wanted to keep Kourtney with her broken arm over Christina, who she just hates. (Kourtney ended up not being able to return to the game, btw, so no one got voted out.) Why does Alicia hate Christina? Because Christina made a deal with the men whereby the men would make a fire for the girls if they wove some palm fronds together for the men's shelter. Uh, that sounds kind of fair to me. Let's remember that the women lost the challenge, so were without fire for cooking, warmth or most importantly for boiling water for days. Perhaps Alicia can drink her own pee or doesn't mind getting tropical diseases, but if I was there, I'd totally be with Christina and get that damned fire made. Unfortunately, it might get her voted off soon too, and it would be a shame. To Queen B, it was "working with the enemy" but let's be honest, she's just a meangirl. Christina finally lost her composure at Tribal Council when Alicia kept making her into Mata Hari, and she told Alicia to SHUT UP. I so wanted some of the other girls to high-five her, but I think Alicia has them all living in a state of fear. She's horrible. Truly.
On the men's side, the meangirl is Matt. I think I called it right in the last blog when I noted that he mentions that his claim to fame is starting up his own law firm, "The Offices of Matthew J. Quinlan." Someone's got a good case of high-on-themselves. On top of that, he's King of the Alpha Males. There are (at least) four dudes who have made an alliance based on their tight, 6-pack abs and really, really good lookingness. Now, I'm not saying I don't like looking at them, but I do find it funny how in both the male and female camps, the good looking people have bonded together. (Not that there are any BAD looking people on Survivor... just degrees of good looking, right?) The funny part of this to me is that 1) it's very high school, and 2) historically, on Survivor at least, this strategy doesn't work. In the past how many seasons has it been revenge of the nerds? It's certainly not been that person type, has it? It's been the Everyman (Boston Rob) or the quiet observer who can get along (Sophie, Natalie) surrounded by weirdos (Cochran, Phillip, Coach... etc.) At any rate, Matt is almost as hateful a character as Alicia... not quite. His pals are Bill, "Big Mike" and "Jaybird".... or I'll call them the Ab-4. Finally, Jay's voice cracks me up. He's a big dude who's a model and then opens his mouth and has this high-pitched voice... kinda like David Beckham. Please don't talk, just model underwear & we'll all be good.
Right, then there's the battle of the Tarzans. There's a pissing contest brewing over two guys who both want to be called Tarzan. For real. I crack myself up just writing that, it's so stupid. Greg, our older plastic surgeon, tells Jeff he wants to be called Tarzan. Well, that doesn't sit well with Troy (of the 12 marmosets), who apparently is "Troyzan"... And, well, he does have the monkeys to back it up, so yeah... he's mad. Can you imagine, someone scooping your cool nickname? Snort.
As usual, we don't get to hear from everyone yet, so lots of characters still to develop. I like Christina, and I like Jonas the sushi chef. Nina seems good and Monica - the Ex-NFL Player's Wife (though you'll notice they just call her "Housewife") isn't as annoying as I thought. Leif, the little person, is pretty cool so far (Jonas: "He's a super strong little dude!"). Sabrina is smart - I like her a lot.
And then there's Colton. Colton is the most Gay with a capital G dude they've had on Survivor in a long time. He's pretty awesome - with his great sense of humour and sweater tied around his neck. He runs like a 10 year-old girl, but you can tell he LOVES this experience... and on one hand, he's playing the game hard. He's bonded with all of the girls and was quite dismayed that he'd be on a team with all the men. So when Sabrina found a hidden immunity idol but had to give it away to a man, who did she give it to? The one man who's built a relationship with the girls. As well, he quickly spoke to the "Leader" of the men, Matt, to say that yeah, he's being friendly with the girls, but it's so he can spy & report back to the men. Smart, right? On the other hand, he's really got to get in there with his own tribe at least a little bit. He needs to make some friendship with the other dudes who are more friendly like Jonas and Leif so that he's got some votes in his corner. Otherwise, he might make it through once with an immunity idol, but then what? I really want him to go far in this game.
We didn't even make it through one challenge without people getting hurt. I do like that the challenges are tough, and Jeff was VERY clear in his instructions how to jump into the rope netting. "Keep your arms in to your body and land on your back." Yet very few of the contestants actually listened, and it's surprising that we only had one broken arm for Kourtney and some rope burn on Nina's face (poor Nina! I think she had a fat lip too.) When Kourtney broke her arm, they stopped the challenge so the medics could come in (they didn't know it was broken at the time, but she couldn't continue) and the men were allowed to choose whether to continue the challenge or not. They did not. Just took the win and said, "We figured we were going to win anyway." Ugh... more bad behaviour. Jeff even reminded them that they will probably want some good will to come their way later on.... and they didn't listen. Jeff is trying... he really is. I feel for him this season. It's a lot of really, really good looking people who seem to have never watched Survivor. It kinda reminds me of the movie Zoolander where Ben Stiller's character lives in a loft with a bunch of other male models until they go to a gas station and start playfully spraying each other with gasoline, then one of them lights a cigarette. "Just because we have chiseled abs and stunning features, it doesn't mean that we too can't not die in a freak gasoline fight accident." This season, we watch to find out if any of these people can figure out that there's more to being on Survivor than being really, really ridiculously good looking.
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