What Ever Happened to Sweet Baby Hantz?

A fun, fun episode, non?  Nothing particularly jaw-dropping, but some good Survivor. 

First, let's see... there was the Redemption Island challenge with Semhar vs. Christine.  I was thrilled to see Christine win for the following reasons:

1. Christine is good TV.  She's bitter, she's scrappy, she's mouthy.  Yeah, I don't have to like her, but I like her on TV. 
2. Semhar is a weirdo, let's face it.  I mean, I'm sure she's nice and everything... and I'm not saying her poetry is bad or anything - I mean, I couldn't come up with an off-the-cuff rap about my "boo" - but seriously... can you imagine hanging with Semhar?  You'd be at Old Navy or something and the sales clerk would tell Semhar that her cardigan is in fact, not 30% off, and oh.... here we go again.  Poetry about Old Navy abandoning her.  Then later, you're at the movies and yep, there goes your friend. She had to leave the theatre and go into the lobby to do some poetry because, darn it, she just "felt" Wolverine more than the rest of us.  I'm sorry, but the girl's pals must have the patience of saints, or else they are like that too.  Whatev.
3. I adore that Coach wants Christine out SO badly.  The fact that she's causing him some inner turmoil is yet again good TV. 
4. Semhar exasperates even my very patient boyfriend, Jeff.  Jeff puts up with a lot and even Jeff is tired of Semhar.

OK, so speaking of inner turmoil.... back at team Coach... Baby Hantz has some serious issues "because he's a Christian."  I'm not being glib, the dude prefaces every other statement with, "Because I'm a Christian...."  Does anyone else notice this?  First of all, he has trouble with lying.  Can't lie to the team about his uncle Ressell "because he's a Christian."  Also, "because he's a Christian," he doesn't like Mikayla, the Whore of Babylon (Sophie's words, not mine.)  He's just SO conflicted.  I presume that in regular life, the dude must have trouble getting by.  Seriously.  Is it like, "Because I'm a Christian, I'm having a lot of trouble eating eggs. They come from female chickens, and those chickens are just out there flaunting the fact that they're female... with BREASTS.... and EGGS!"  Whaaaaat?  Really, I think this stuff happens to Baby Hantz. 

Honestly, what has happened to this guy that he's so insanely worried about sinning?  There are loads of normal Christians out there....even on Survivor.  I mean, even Coach - who's all about playing the game with integrity/honesty/honour/whatever - even Coach knows he's playing a game and the game is not called "Tell everyone everything you know all the time."  When COACH looks like the smart, sane, balanced one... you know something's up.  And oh yeah... it's NOT REAL LIFE!

So first, Baby tells everyone he's Russell's nephew and that he's not like Russell, blah, blah, blah.  And, that he'd rather make friends than win a million dollars.  OK. Thing is, you've already screwed this up.  If honesty was your thing, you'd have told everyone from the start, but you're not that smart.  So now his team figures that he's OK with hiding things when it suits him and oh yeah - he's completely untrustworthy because he can't keep a secret.  Right?  AND, he's just told everyone that it's actually OK to vote him off, because he's not really here to win anyway. 

Then Mikayla confronts him about why he wants her gone.  Yes, it's because he doesn't like her.  Flat out.  Then makes her go over in front of everyone to ask how solid her alliance is, because other people don't like her either.  Now, not only is Baby Hantz an untrustworthy and weirdly paranoid Christian half-liar with bad tattoos... he's also just kind of a jerk.  Cue sad music.... Mikayla the lingerie football player sitting at the sunset, crying. Cut to sea turtle.

Another thing.  Notice when everyone's name comes up on the screen, so does their occupation.  It's STACEY - Mortician, or JIM - Medical Marijuana Dude.  But Baby Hantz's "occupation" says - Russell Hantz's Nephew.  This makes me think a) is this a job?  I mean, I didn't know Lingerie Football Player was a job, so it's possible.  b) If this is a job, what does it entail?  Fetching Uncle Russell's hat?  And c) that the producers really wanted Russell on the show and he wouldn't come on, so this is the only guy they could find with a legit link to Russell.  He was ASKED to be on the show & didn't have to audition like everyone else.  Thing is,  he doesn't actually want to be there or play the game, right?  Which is kind of degrading to Russell himself, non?  Russell was a self-proclaimed lover of the game of Survivor.  It must make his skin itch to watch his own family not care and uh, well, be that dumb. 

OK, enough of Baby Hantz.  Let's see... team Coach wins the challenge.  Again, Coach looks like a superstar.  When did this happen?  His team wins by just a bit over team Ozzy.  On team Ozzy, no one really drops the ball or anything, they just don't win.  Dawn shows herself to be pretty athletic and does a great job in the challenge (you see? She's put away the crazy & pulled it together!) and Cochran gets a job where he doesn't look too weak.  When are they going to give that boy a puzzle already?  At any rate, it looks like a toss-up between Cochran and Papa Bear to go home.  Papa Bear just can't seem to make friends with the Barbie & Ken team that he's on, feels like he has nothing in common with them... and is on the outs.  Thing is, he never really tried, did he?  Dude could have taken on the role of ummmm... Papa Bear.... and been the wise, older, gay dude with lots of advice on life, love and Broadway musicals.  But, he didn't put himself in that position, so we can't really feel to badly for him.  Cochran, on the other hand, is actually trying to get in with the crowd using work ethic and humour.  I don't know that it's necessarily working, but it was likely the tipping point last night. 

So our dear Papa Bear (ugh, I still hate the nickname... and I like nicknames generally... have you noticed?) gave it one last ditch effort by digging frantically for the hidden immunity idol ("like a gopher" says Elyse...) but doesn't find it. Why? Because Ozzy has it already.  (By the way, did you like how Ozzy trusted Keith with the info and then Keith went right out to tell Whitney about it? And she told two friends, and they told two friends....)  So Papa does the old "make your own idol" trick, zips back to camp with "a smile on his face and a huge bulge in his pants" (Cochran's words, not mine, but delightful to repeat) causing Cochran, particularly, to worry.  However, he needn't worry at all - Papa got the votes.

So now it'll be Papa Bear vs. Christine at the next Redemption Island challenge!!  I love this.  Now, I cheer for Papa Bear.  Why?  Because I like him and want him to get his groove back.  Also, I want him to get back in the game and join the blue team.  Here's how it'll go... Baby Hantz (if he makes it that far, which is highly unlikely) will say, "Because I'm a Christian, Papa Bear makes me uncomfortable."  Then Liza Minelli will swoop down out of nowhere and play lingerie football with Mikayla.  God bless America.

Evil, Thy Name is Woman!

Sorry for the late post today...Let's see, where to start?  Well, I missed the first few minutes of the show and when I looked to see what I missed, apparently it was Semhar reciting poetry about "abandonment"...  Say it with me.... Ugh.  I mean, maybe it was lovely, whatever.  Just... ugh.  Maybe try a poem about being not very good at throwing coconuts, then I'll play along.  Am I a jerk? 

The part where I joined in was where Cochran was involved in "being the New Cochran."  I honestly can't decide if I love or hate this guy.  I want to like him, I really do.  You too, right?  He's so eager and really, really has embraced being "New Cochran" which is lovely.  He's using a machete to open up a coconut and is quite proud of his accomplishment.  And you love it until he tells us that his mother told him not to go around using a machete by himself... and that he's disobeying her by doing exactly that.  Ummm... how old is New Cochran?  I do like that he's breaking the apron strings... maybe this will translate to some independence when he gets back home.  Maybe?  Or, maybe he'll go home and continue to refer to himself in the third person as "New Cochran."  Either way, I enjoyed how he was so excited to share his coconut with Keith & was so proud, saying it was "like his own child."  Keith, of course, says, "So, I'm drinking your child?"  Heh.  Yeah, Keith's a bit of a jerk.  We'll get along just fine. 

Jim, on the other hand, our chief dope distributor (and I mean dope in the noun vs adjective sense), is a bit of a wiener.  He keeps telling us how smart he is and I'm fairly sure that we're going to hear every episode how he's a world poker champion.  Uh, good for you.  Generally, people who need to tell you all the time how smart they are.... well you know.  So Jim figures he's controlling the game by making an alliance with Ozzy & Keith.  Keith, meanwhile, has already made an alliance with Ozzy because....well.... see the paragraph above. Keith is 1) a bit of a jerk and 2) way cooler than the rest of us. 

Ozzy, our Jesus de la Jungle, has found the immunity idol.  Which, is ACTUALLY smart (ummm, Jim? Take notes.)  And, on that note, I really enjoy watching Ozzy climb trees. 

Back at the blue camp, Christine finds the clue to the idol but can't actually find the idol.  Thing is, she does it in a blatant way where everyone knows she either has an idol or is looking for it.  Not super smart. 

Coach decides to add to his alliance by palling up with Edna, whose sun visor is made out of a Survivor clue!  I thought it was tree bark, but you can see the writing on the one side.  I have decided I adore Edna, solely because of this.  Is that wrong? 

Now... Baby Hantz.  Let's talk about Baby Hantz.  Since the theme today seems to be how smart (real vs. imagined) people on this show are.... where would you put Baby on the scale?  Last night, I'd put  him at the bottom.  First off, he comes clean to Coach about being Russell's nephew.  Now, let's remember that this has more to do with honesty than it does with strategy.  It turned out to be a good strategy, oddly, as Coach's whole thing is to play with "honesty & integrity & loyalty & honour" blah, blah, blah.  Don't get me started on that, but at least he HAS a strategy.  So, in a way, Baby's idea of blabbing to Coach is a good one... be up front & honest, show Coach that you're in his corner, that you - unlike your uncle - can be trusted.  Now, Coach has pretty good instincts and has decided to trust Baby on this.  (And as an aside... is it not a bit scary that Coach seems like the reasonable person here? The wise one?)  So, OK, chalk one up for Baby. 

That's where it all unravels for our little Loco, however.  He's got a thing against Mikayla.  Why?  Because she's pretty.  Yep, that is it.  That is his only reason.  He figures that because she's pretty, she's Parvati.  Naturally pretty = using your body to get what you want and 'wrap all the guys around your finger.'  Uh huh.  Now, let's all agree that Mikayla IS indeed pretty (she's the lingerie football player, 'member?) but really has NOT been playing it up a la Parvati.  Everyone is in their undies, not just her.  (Let's not talk about how they're blurring out Coach's junk.  Oh, dang.)  She even tells us that she's actually kind of a tom boy and that's why she likes playing football.  She just happens to be able to get paid to do it in lingerie.  OK.  Baby Hantz, however, keeps giving her the creepy cut-eye and keeps talking about how he's a married man and can't be around this sort of temptress.  Uh, what?  Clearly, Baby has gotten himself in some Loco trouble before with his woman.  Clearly, Baby's woman has laid down the law.  Baby is not to be around lingerie football players.  See, here's the thing though.  1) She doesn't actually care about Baby.  2) Even if she did, he acts like she'll just seduce him and he'll in no way be able to resist (is this how it works, men?)  3) Being pretty does not equal being a harlot.  And 4) so, what does he do in real life if say, a pretty girl works with him or is on the same bus?  Run?  Read her Bible verses and tell her to cover up & pray for her soul?

Oh, and it doesn't end there, does it?  So Baby desperately wants to get rid of Mikayla at Tribal Council.  Thing is, no one else does.  Everyone else is normal and thinks that Mikayla is both nice and a hard worker.  Oh yeah, and she kicks ass at challenges.  No one else has a reason to get rid of her.  So Baby goes to work on his plan, which really isn't a plan at all.  He tells Coach that Stacey and Christine are voting for Mikayla.  To be clear, they are not. 

Now, if this was anyone else, it might not be a problem but it's Coach.  Coach's strategy (again, it IS a strategy, even if it's weird) is to "lay it all out on the table" at Tribal Council.  Coach tells everyone that Stacey & Christine are planning to vote for Mikayla.  They plead that no, they're not.  Baby gets all worried. Christine tries to get Coach to say who told him that & he won't.  You see, 'cause he's loyal to Baby.  Albert totally had it right.  Do you love Albert?  Now there's a smartypants.  At any rate, I very much enjoyed watching my boyfriend Jeff's delight at the scene unfolding before his eyes.  He just gets to sit back & let this stuff happen... you can't script this stuff and this is why I still love the show.  There's still that bit of human craziness factor that you can't predict.

So, Christine got the boot, which actually was easy to predict, non?  Not so good at the challenges, and did nothing to endear herself to the tribe.  We called it last time, when she told Coach he's "temporary" and then went off looking for the idol.  Again, not so high on the smart scale, right?  Why do people forget about the social part of this game? It's like they've never watched it.  Poor Christine.  The good news for her is that unless it's a poetry competition, she'll probably have no trouble beating Semhar at Redemption Island.  Maybe they could have an eye roll-off.  I think Christine would still win. 

I Need a New Job

Welcome to a new season (#23!) of Survivor and a new season of the blog.  It's a familiar feeling on Thursday morning as I try to remember all that I loved about last night's episode.  I truly never get tired of the show.  At first, I was a little cheesed about the whole Ozzy & Coach thing... you know, that it's kinda lazy casting.  But I'm enjoying it.  I like that no one really wanted Coach on their team and EVERYONE wanted Ozzy... and that by the end of the show, Coach's team loves him and he's made himself a 5 person alliance. Poolster friend John said that Ozzy is "Jesus of the Jungle" which I'm totally stealing (thanks John!) as it completely suits him.  Everyone listens to him like he's the all-knowing jungle deity... though is it me, or does he come across stoned?  Perhaps he and medical marijuana dude will get along smashingly. 

Anyway, not going to give so much of a play-by-play as my first impressions of the cast... and I hope you'll leave your commenets as well. 

Let's start with team Coach - the blue team.  I enjoy that they're giving him a bit of a hard time about his past "performance" and that he's rolling with it and not taking himself too seriously.  That one woman... is it Christine???  is an idiot.  To say straight out that Coach & Ozzy are "temporary players" (uh, didn't Boston Rob win last season?) and then to go off and blatantly look for the hidden immunity idol.... dumb.  Not a super good way to endear yourself to your team. 

Edna is nice.  Maybe too nice for Survivor.  Hard to say yet.  Like that she was nice to Coach when no one else was.  Like that she has made herself a sun visor out of a leaf. Maybe it's tree bark.  I don't know, but it's awesome.

Baby Hantz.  Brandon.  Russell's nephew.  OK.... so he doesn't want anyone to know he's Russell's nephew.  Makes sense.  But he's got his last name tattooed on BOTH his arm and his back!!!  (Sidebar:  Who the hell gets their own name tattooed on them TWICE? That's weird, right?)  So it's going to be super hilarious to watch as he refuses to take off his shirt for a month.  Already he was out fishing with the shirt pulled around him like a fashionable shrug.  And already, that one gal.... I think it's Sophie.... says "there's something about him she doesn't trust.  He's hiding something."  Good instincts, Sophie!  Also... what is Baby Hantz's story?  We know he was a bad-ass youngster... with all the last name tattoos and a neck tattoo (extra bad-ass!) that says "Loco"... So poor tattoo taste aside, he's told us that he has now "changed" and found God or something... and that he married young.  OK, I'm on board with that... but the weirdness happened when he gave the cut-eye to Mikayla (uh, the lingerie football player.... there is such a thing? I would google it, but I'm at work.  Seriously, how is that your JOB?) because she was up on the roof of the shelter giving orders in her short shorts.  Which, btw, I didn't find that offensive.  I mean she wasn't tackling people in her Victoria's secret or anything.  But Baby Hantz said something to the effect of not wanting to be put in a "situation where he'll get in trouble."  Uh.... what?  Expecting more awesome weirdness to come from Baby.

Since we're talking about underwear.... again with the underwear.  Someone said (can't remember who & it doesn't matter) they were "surprised to be in their underwear already."  Uh, why?  Have you ever watched this show? I'm not entirely sure when it became ok to have a show about real people swimming in the South Pacific in their underpants, but Mark Burnett is an annoying genius for it.  More on that later.

Right.  So team Coach... anyone else interesting so far?   Stacey seems sort of annoying.  OH... and Rick - the rancher.  I love him.  He's awesome at the challenges so far, very strong.  But we'll see how he puts up with the young whippersnappers.  And, if he makes it that far, the gay ex-cop.  Same for Baby Hantz.  If Baby can't deal with a lingerie football player, how is he going to handle Papa Bear? 

Soooo... Papa Bear.  I'm not sure I can call him that.  As my husband said, "Who gives themselves a nickname?"  True.  I suppose maybe other people out in the world call him Papa Bear... at any rate, that's what he's become.  (Real name = Mark in case anyone cares.)  I do like PBear for the record.  He's clever and is playing the part very well.  He knows he's the oldest one, so what needs to be his role?  Caring, older, father figure?  Check.  Funny, easy-going friend?  Check.  Hard working ex-cop?  Check.  Dude's going to be a competitor - trust. 

Jim - the medical marijuana dispenser (again, that is a JOB in the US?) is not going to get far.  He's abrasive already and annoying.  He's already told us how rich he is and I don't even remember... something about winning a bunch of poker tournaments, blah, blah, blah.  Insert eyeroll here.  For a guy who plays poker, you'd think he'd conceal his OWN eyeroll a bit better when Semhar lost them the challenge.  Caused a fight. Good way to start out.  No one wants to go up against him yet, but I'm thinking Jesus de la Jungle isn't going to put up with his alpha male competition for much longer.

There are some other alpha males around too... Keith, who didn't say much yet, and Albert (on the blue team) who also hasn't said much yet.  Ummmm... Albert is a "baseball/dating coach".... What?  Again?  That is your JOB?  I'm starting to think my job is boring.  How do I become a "Professional Survivor Blogger"? Anyone?

Dawn.... poor thing had an episode... you know, there's always someone who freaks out a little when the reality hits them that there's no bathroom facilities or Outback Steakhouse.  She's a Mormon mom of 6 (!!) and maybe a bit sheltered... but ultimately pulled it together & I think she'll be fine.  She looks super fit and actually seems like she's got some skills in the people department (you'd have to with six kids, non?) so I'm sorta pulling for her.  Just no more wigging out, Dawn! 

Elyse... not much said by her last night except that she's Native American and hopes that her ancestors will help her out... Can't wait til she meets Coach! 

And John... or "Cochran" as he wants to be known (because all my boyfriend Jeff's favourites are called by their last names.... Mariano, Donaldson, etc.)  He's a HUGE Survivor geek - probably more than even I am... which is saying a lot.  He's a super white, thin, nerdy dude, but generally likeable.  Made WAY too big a deal about getting in his underwear to go swimming.  We get it, you have body image issues.  But, ummm... you've seen the show, right?  Should really expect this.  Maybe hit the tanning booth before going to the South Pacific?  Anyway, it was somewhat endearing... UNTIL it seemed that he might get voted off first at which point he threw a bit of a hissy fit and got all paranoid and crazy.  Then he became annoying and I no longer cared if he was voted off first.  Would rather have seen him work to stay instead of complaining... but maybe it was the editing?  We'll see.  I want to like him. 

But it seems to be Ozzy that's in control to some extent.  Can I just say for a sec how I'd really like both him and Coach to cut their Fabio-inspired hair?  It's icky.  I think Ozzy should be able to hang around for quite a while if he doesn't do anything too stupid. 

He wanted to keep Semhar last night, but wisely bowed to the group, who wanted her gone.  Semhar was the annoyingest of the bunch for sure.  OK, you're a poet.  Strike one.  You don't do much work around camp - strike two.  You got in a fight with Marijuana dude.  Strike three.  But her ultimate undoing was the fact she said she could throw coconuts into a basket and failed miserably.  Threw like, two and was SO TIRED.  Just couldn't even underhand one to the basket.  We get it, you're tired, but at least look like you're trying and not totally lame.  On her way out the door, Jesus Jungle says, "I should have taught her how to make a fire."  True dat.  She went off to Redemption Island and cried and cried about how mean her teammates were... wah.  I won't be sad if she gets the boot at Redemption Island... which she probably will if she has to lift anything heavier than a coconut.  Maybe there'll be a poetry contest? 

Oh yeah, and my boyfriend Jeff won another Emmy for being such a great TV host.  Yep.  He's cool and I like his new teal shirt.  You?